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Half Pint Brawlers ? The Declaration of Capitulation

Posted in News by Jack at 20:14, Jul 17 2010

Well it so seemed that the ride was just beginning, when in fact it was nearing it's conclusion. Yes, this is the recap of the season finale episode of the Half Pint Brawlers television spectacular. And could things get started in a better way than seeing the entire HPBnation at a radio show studio? Probably. During said show they told the listening audience of a show that they are going to be promoting, show which would feature a ?10 midget hardcore battle royal? with staple guns, trash cans and all other whimsical aspects of an hardcore match. Sadly the hot ass host of the radio show didn't knew exactly what this concept of a ?10 midget hardcore battle royal? stood for. No problemo, Puppet is here... to tell Turtle to take off his pants so Puppet can staple Turtle's medium sizis testicularis together. Blood appears on the floor, but thankfully nobody contracted AIDS.


The slamming opening credits kick in, and we are quickly taken to Los Angeles, California. Yes, that Los Angeles. Quickly the empirical necessity of more midgets for this battle royal in noticed, and that leads to the reemergence of T.O. (whom you might remember from a couple of episodes ago) and also the HPB debut of a troupe called the ?Tiny Trotters? (whom besides practicing the noble sport of professional wrestling also practice the not less noble sport of basketball, midget style obviously). I personally noted some tension between both the ?Tiny Trotters? and the HPBnation (something that I believe Puppet also noticed) so, and to calm everybody's tender nerves, a basketball game between the two armies was scheduled. Unfortunately, for all the peace loving people around the world (damn hippies) tensions rose to even higher levels, as the competitiveness within both teams became even more apparent, as you would expect on a stress prone activity such a 5-on-5 midget basketball game. The game itself was ended before any team reached the ?5 shots? goals, as the final result 2-1 (Brawlers) was the last result to have been shown in the official HPB TV score-box. With plenty of bottled up angler, both troupes return to the hotel via the HPB's Van?. Words wrapped with passive-aggressiveness are traded between the groups but (fortunately) nothing words were traded.


Like a group of sex tourists, the gang(s) exit Los Angeles, as they head straight forward to Hollywood, CA. This time we see both T.O. and Kato handing out flyers to the visitors of the Zionist city. Sadly though, Turtle believes that this marketing experiment didn't worked out as well as he had planned. Sadness. Triumphantly though, Kato decides that a good alternative to this would be to spread the Good Word? of ?midget wrestling? and have two members of the HPBnation grappling in the sidewalk. With this, surely they would be getting the the interest of the public that they so much yearn for. The bystanders seemed to have enjoyed it, so common sense would lead me to believe that (and allow me to use a bushism to end this paragraph, and say ?Mission Accomplished!? - please do read this last part while looking ridiculous at an aircraft carrier-).


In the day before the big co-promoted show, both HPB and the TT (read Mammary Glands) decide to train a little bit at a local gymnasium, so they can be at tip-top shape to amuse all the alcoholic individuals that they will be getting the next day at their show... but ? tragedy... oh the tragedy...tragedy breaks this plan apart as the hybrid basketball/wrestling troupe seems to actually sucks at all activities they seem to represent! They aren't season veterans... they aren't even veterans at all (no salute for you ?Tiny Trotter?'s Turbo!). ?They aren't midget wrestlers, they are just midgets!? - desperately confesses Puppet. Unlike the ?Team America World Police? movie, there wasn't a MONTAGE (? montage) but there were a lot of holds being trained instead, as the ?TT?'s started to slowly but surely improving in their in-ring skills. We now can only wait for the great showdown to witness whether or not this improvement was a reality or just a mere illusion of the wrestling mind.


Back in the Van?, plans are laid for yet another ?Turtle moment?. Yes, Turtle, the rookie is told by his boss to go meet a group of transvestites in a site known for such populus... and Turtle might even get some... sex! This new found relation between Turtle and Zoey (the transvestite that they picked up) seems to begins on the right foot, as they share a nice smooch but like the man-whore that he/she seems to be, she goes ?first base? on Turtle and then immediately leaves the premises.


The crew quickly after heads towards the arena, were the Battle Royal will occur. Backstage Puppet does a magnificently job, as he lays down what needs to happen tonight so this show goes without any issues.


And NOW!...


For the last time on Half Pint Brawlers TV history!...


This is THE main event ? of this specific show!


As they all head in the ring, I can't help but feel nostalgic already, as I know that I'm witnessing something that couldn't possibly be described anyway other way but to be described as history in the making. The ?TT's? seem to impress Puppet with some flashy moves. Some staple gun action and other hardcore shenanigans. Obviously at the end, there could only be one gladiator taking the ?below average size? W and the charismatic T.O. had that giant honor. A prudent viewer would probably consider this to be the end of tonight's episode but there was still one little (pun intended) surprise left.


Turtle, the rookie, had seemed to finally garner Puppet's respect and with that in mind, the HPNation heads all together to a tattoo store so Turtle can get that said tattoo and officially become a ?Half Pit Brawler? brawler. As of now, you'd probably think: what type of tattoo is Turtle getting? None of your business, jackass... actually... well, sorry about that... I was just jok... oh c'mon... are you going to trow an hissy fit? Really... oh for Zeus sake and a pigeon taint, I'll tell you... he's getting a tattoo of a Puppet's face circa The 80's?! It should be noticed that Turtle's reaction, following him taking a peek of his new tat is probably the moment that, in itself, defines this entire season of HPB. Possibly the greatest moment of all great moments in HPB history. Love is shared between the crew as they cherish both this moment that they all shared and the fact that more than experiencing all this, they knew, that they have each others. Forever they did. And with this, we fade to ending credits. And that... well... that was all. That was the end of the ride.

Fun fact: ?The Versailles Treaty Was Signed On June 28th, 1919?

By: Joe Gomes
























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